There was a very specific day about three years ago when I remember walking around the city streets and being struck by the theme of an old Simon & Garfunkel song. I felt like the only living boy in NY.
Most days I just meld right into all that is going on around me, but on this day I felt ominously removed from it all. There was darkness in the time-space miasma, and the people I passed as I walked along the sidewalk all looked lifeless. No joy of life, no spirit, no nothing. I don't know if it was that they had no life in them, or if I was somehow removed from the situation in such a way as to sense lifelessness in what was around me. But I felt both alone and emancipated at one time. Suddenly I was in a moment where no physical laws applied. Where nothing made sense. 3 plus 3 did not equal 6 in this moment. I was in what felt like great despair, but I was totally free at the same time.
The city is an interesting place. It draws the masses to it like moths to a flame, but the only thing that it offers is financial prosperity. The rest is just a big tease, like a hooker on the corner of 27th and 9th, waving a scarf at passing cars. If I were a religious sort, I might equate this place to the devil, and call the Lincoln Tunnel and the Brooklyn Bridge the mighty Archangels Lucifer and Uriel. There is no purity of spirit here in these concrete canyons. It is complete selfishness and contempt. There is no place where one can find sanctuary, or a sufficient path to self-discovery or self-fulfillment. The island of thieves has captured the souls of so many unsuspecting.
Have any one of them been struck by the realization that this place today is mine, and mine alone? I wonder....
On this day, I was the only living boy in NY. I was scared as hell, but it felt so good.
12 comments:
Hello there. As you know, Deb wrote a nice tribute to you on her blog, and that's what's brought me here. Nice to read you.
While I was reading her post yesterday and yours this morning, I was wishing I'd known you all two years ago when I visited New York. (I'm in the Finger Lakes region.) I was there on a medical / humanitarian mission. That is, I wasn't in "tourist" mode. (Apart from a walk in Central Park, my observations of New York were mostly the people. And the noise.)
Anyway, I was very, VERY struck (and conflicted) by the same things you observed and felt. On one hand it seemed quite liberating to be so utterly anonymous, but it felt isolating as well...a little scary.
Nearly two years have gone by and I still consider THAT aspect of the trip down there... and still haven't decided if I liked it or hated it. One conclusion I've come to is that I wouldn't do very well as an escaped convict on the run who never gets to know people, never lets roots of friendship and familiarity form. So... I guess you could say my trip to New York saved me from a life of crime. ha!
Ananji
There is no place where one can find sanctuary, or a sufficient path to self-discovery or self-fulfillment.
I'm not sure about that. I have found days in NYC that have been better than great with my friend. We have sat in restaurants in the village and we have run in Central Park. All of it has been fulfilling. I have walked the streets of Manhattan with my son and enjoyed precious bonding times with him.
I also know the face of fear in that vecinity. I experience it (not as badly as I did years ago) every 6 months.
The city is like any other place, your eyes see what your heart is feeling
Hi Ananji, and thanks for reading and commenting on my blog. You're in the Finger Lakes area, are you? I grew up in Syracuse, so I am familiar with many parts of the Finger Lakes.
And although I work in NYC now, I don't live there, so am spared from it's "weight" most of the time. But I do miss some of the cultural things that it has to offer, things that I admittedly was not seeing when I had the experience that I blogged about...
JBT, I agree with you - there are good qualities to the city. Some of the things you talked about however were experiences that you had with family and/or friends (your use of the word 'we' betrays that), so I might challenge you that you were not really interacting with the people of the city, which is who I was writing about in the blog.
But just as I told Ananji, on the day that I had the experience that I blogged about, there was an odd duality to my perceptions. To feel liberated yet isolated at the same time seemed strange to me, but that was three years ago. I'm a different person today than I was then, so it doesn't seem strange to me now.
I, too, was led to your blog through Deb. While I have never been to NYC, it is interesting to read your observations. The crowds would make me anxious. My world (the Pacific NW) is much different. Much smaller. Not cosmopolitan. But beautiful. I know many a midwesterner and east coast type who have come to visit then found a way to get back permanently.
Monkey Man - yes, the Pacfic NW is a different world than what we have here.
There's a lyric in the signature Simon & Garfunkel song that goes "half of the time we're gone, and we don't know where, we don't know where." Nothing could be more true. So many people are 'gone', in other words, not in the present moment.
Teejay,
I spent 25 years traveling to NY for business.
Some days I felt just like you, other days I was part of the zombie march.
But eventually, I discovered this profound truth: Whatever was going on inside me was the driving force behind how I perceived others.
Now, I am in a very satisfied and content place in my life with a consistent inner peace. When I walk the streets of NYC these days I see abundant life and love everywhere.
The world is a mirror. The mirror presents us with an opportunity to learn, to gain bits and pieces of enlightenment each day if we're lucky and remember to be fully awake.
Food for thought....
Anonymous, yes, it is a "zombie march" all too often. But as I wrote in response to Just Because Today, I am a different person now than I was three years ago. At the time I had the experience I am blogging about here, I was just beginning to become a conscious person, and I think this was my first glint of that. I was seeing the world as majorially an unconscious lot, but I wasn't conscious enough yet to single out the folks who were conscious.
Now, my level of self-awareness and consciousness is so great that conscious people are literally streaming into my life like a river. The ride is bumpy, but ever so amazing....
TJ, what I experience is closely related to my emotions. I dont really "see" a city and I have a hard time remembering places but I remember what it felt like to be somewhere with someone. Oddly enough, I remember good times more than bad. Those lose intensity over time.
It's amazing how alone one can feel amongst a mass of millions.
Exactly Parveen, and it just serves to demonstrate - or perhaps 'define' is a better word - what togetherness and belonging really mean. Being together with other people is to share their spirit, not their physical space.
On the other hand, the feeling of isolation and aloneness that some of us feel can bring about an opportunity to spend more time with oneself, making one more self-aware and whole in the process. :)
Funny, I live in Elmira Heights and work in Watkins Glen now at a pharmacy, so I see the peacefulness of finger lakes, like your friend Ananji. People are so friendly here and with the view of mountains from my apartment, I feel more at peace spiritually than I have been for awhile.
I hope it lasts, but as Shakespeare said, fears and sorrows all too often fly free-footed. There are some wonderful times of togetherness I have felt with family and friends im cities. Strolling with baby Drew, Mel and John in DC. Walking with Conor and Brett to rock piles out in a semi-suburb semi-rural area and playing king of mountain. Walking with Mom and Dad through Onondaga Lake Park or to city of Syracuse to see a symphony - seeing all sorts of faces, all sorts of colors feeling connected in this park or at a concert, feeling peaceful. Saw on TV all sorts of faces, all sorts of colors, feeling connected after Obama won and gave his inaugurational address. Oneness
I felt with my best friend from undergrad, Steve, when we both sat down with Melissa and John at a local DC bar and met their friend from England who is into science(Steve and I also thought she was hot cause we could talk geek speek with her and because she had a hot British accent). Margaritas with my post-doc friends in Bethesda MD. Dad and Mom and I at Dinosaur Barbecue. Come to think of it, maybe world peace deals could happen in Dinosaur Barbecue since people of many cultures (bikers, hippies, families, yuppies, African Americans, whites, hispanic, and everyone else seem to talk to each other and get
along at Dinosaur. I think Dinoasur should attempt to broker some international peace deals. I think these experiences stem from people already known and trusted, which is so much harder than talking to strangers, who know that we need to gain their trust to become their friend. Apparently, having strangers meet and talk is best served with exercise at a local gym, or with food and beer. The people waking the NYC streets in the morning are miserable because they have to go to jobs, often jobs they don't like and many of these jobs don't require many personal connections/ interactions.
I read in some book and saw a movie that suggests people's happiness levels are higher when they have many positive human connections and relationships; they also tend to have lower blood pressure, lower cholesterol, less depression and they live longer. Perhaps thats why wine came into existence. God gave us the apple to fall from grace and into depression, but the cold beer or glass of wine or delicious food to allow us to start a connection with someone, which even though nothing may come of it past that evening, at least you connected to someone and feel a little bit more at peace. The car, house and other material BS is only like a peacock's feather to try attracting people to them, simply a show to get a chance to talk to someone whom we might connect with. The connections create the happiness. We humans are social creatures who define ourselves by how happy we feel, and this happiness and peace can only be achieved by having positive and healthy social interactions. However, talking to people walking to jobs in the morning, zombie-like from the Ambien they needed to sleep thhrough the day to overcome their fears about losing their job the next day, or even worse being stuck in a job they completely hate, as opposed to the majority of us who hate only parts of our jobs, may not be the best venue to attempt to meet people, create friendships and fill up your personal happiness gas tank. Face it, most, if not all of us, feel likes herds when going to work. Dave Matthews says it best in his song Ants Marching
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