Dear Sir: Your condom sux!

For all who may be interested to read a bit of pulp fiction, here is a piece from about two and a half years ago that I wrote for a Mypace "Blog Idol" competition.

Our writing assignment for this round of the competition was to write a complaint letter to a service provider or product manufacturer. My entry is below:

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2-16-07 Dear Sir: Your condom sux!


February 16, 2007
Church & Dwight, Inc
469 North Harrison St
Princeton, MA 08543
Att: Consumer Affairs Dept

Re: Trojan condom product

Dear Sir / "Madame":

This letter is to lodge a formal complaint about your product Trojan-Enz Lubricated condom, which I used on Saturday, June 10, 2006 at approximately 10:45pm.

Your packaging advises to use the product "as directed," and I can certainly say that I did do that. My romantic partner will attest to the fact that I was using the condom for the intended purpose, and with proper care for its delicate nature. However, my appropriate actions could not prevent what I will heretofore refer to as the "catastrophic failure" that ensued.

Yes, that's right, in the course of its use, as directed, a catastrophic failure of epic proportions occurred. That failure has now cost me hundreds of thousands of dollars. Let me further elaborate, and in three parts:

The Fallout
Your product's catastrophic failure resulted in an unwanted pregnancy with my mistress. Despite my sex partner's "loose" nature, her strong religious ideals did not allow her to abort this illegitimate pregnancy. In one month she will give birth to a baby boy, and with no job, or job prospects, she has threatened to thrust the bastard child upon me. Although I expect the child to be immensely attractive, like myself, I had no intentions of becoming a full-time father at this time.

The Damages
With the prospect of raising this child from birth to adulthood lying ahead for me, the realized costs will be daunting to say the least. According to USDA statistics from 2004, the cost of raising a child from birth to age 17 is $269,400. Adjusting that figure for inflation, the cost has now grown to $294,380.
Present costs for 4 years of college at a public institution in New York run to $16,900/yr. Adjusting that figure for inflation to the time my child enters college calculates to $40,670/yr, or $162,680 total.
Further, the catastrophic failure has brought my otherwise happy marriage to a screeching halt. Total costs for my own divorce proceedings estimate to $14,320 (based on 2005 statistical average for divorces).

The Restitution
Since it was your faulty product and its catastrophic failure that has brought all this financial misery upon me, I demand that Engulf & Devour, er um, Church & Dwight take the steps necessary to make me financially whole. I therefore insist upon immediate financial restitution in the amount of $ 471,380. Since many children (especially gifted ones, like mine will surely be) cost much more than this to bring to full adult matriculation, taking into account private schooling, nannies, music lessons, special needs, etc., I am sure that your legal staff will concur that this amount is more than fair, and will agree to authorize immediate release of funds in accordance with this request.

The Satisfaction Guarantee on your packaging states that you will happily refund me if I return the unused portion of the product. Surmising that you have no use for the "unused" portion (GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!), I am sure that you will see my solution as a better one for both parties.

Thank you for your time, and I anxiously await my check in the aforementioned amount.


Yours sincerely,
Toomas Jeffington
567 Virginia St
Monroe, NY 10950
Cc: Georges Washingstone, Esq