Enjoy!
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Good evening fellow bloggers. Yes, that's right, fellow bloggers. I say that because at heart, we all are. We all have a story to tell, or an opinion that is just screaming to find its way out of our innards and into the land of bits and bytes affectionately known as the blogosphere.
On this very momentous occasion, it would be the blogger's temptation to try and entertain his or her audience. But in the interest of preserving the sanctity of this event, I'll refrain from doing so here. But if my speech should become a bore, and perhaps it will, a Myspace "Home" button has been conveniently provided for you on each of your seat backs. Simply click "home" and you'll find yourself in the kitchy company of Myspace Tom, and you will be free to move about the blog community once again.
So, I will start tonight by first thanking you all for being alive. From the bottom of my Czuch Republic-tenderized heart, I thank you for that. No, it's no joke, for you see, without your collective masses of eyes and ears, there is no blogger. Blogging is a symbiosis between reader and writer. It is a co-dependent relationship of the worst kind. And without the reader half, what is there really? I mean, if a blog falls on the internet, and nobody reads it, does that mean that Tom is your only Friend?
I would also like to thank you more specifically for your roving eyes, and for your keen sense of what's true and good in a blog. Readers, as I just mentioned, are the lifeblood of a good blogger. The relationships that are created between blogger and commenter help to sculpt and mold the blogger's subject matter and delivery. This perpetuates the career of the dedicated and prolific blogger, and can conversely demolish the career of the unseasoned or casual one. Comments and kudos are what we all crave. The instant gratification that life often fails to bring us can be acquired through the creation and delivery of a top-notch blog effort. We love our comments, and are often under a sense of obligation to comment on the comment, almost doubling the comment count in the process. And then there are the kudos….
Kudos kudos kudos. So many a tear has been shed over this subject. So much misery, despair and outright pain. Ouch! But what are kudos, really? Or is the right question 'What is kudos?' Can kudos be quantified?
If so, they should be swappable, like money or scrip. The guy at the pawn shop could use them every day. "I'll give you 200 kudos for that watch, mister." Kudos, whatever it is/they are, give a false sense of security to the blogger-at-large. They are handed out by commenters as if every blog is entitled to them. I'll be dedicating the final years of my blogging to many areas, one of which will be Kudos Reform. Unfortunately, the divided Blog Congress will make it difficult to pass such reform, but let us not let that stop the effort !!
Looking back on my early years, one could say that my less than fortunate upbringing made my rise to blog fame (or infamy, if you prefer) all the more unlikely. Many forces were working against me…
First there was the tragedy that befell me at the hospital on the day my mother gave birth to me. I was mistaken for a girl by the pediatrician (more on my genitalia problems later) and dressed in pink on my first day of life. This was the beginning of my life-long gender confusion, which continues to this day (should I wear the spike-heeled pumps or my spiffy wingtips today?)
Then there was the extreme destitution we suffered as a family. We were so poor that we couldn't afford books, so the 'bedtime stories' my mother read to us were typically off of toothpaste tubes, cereal boxes, junk mail, and even from banana peel labels (consequently, I mastered the word "Dole" at a very young age).
And there was also the tragic farm accident as a teen. A cyclonic ride in a hay baler ended with the partial loss of my left thumb. This now causes me to misstheSpacekeymanytimesandcreatesmuchdifficulty in myeverydayblog writing.
Despite these setbacks, I found my way to the internet in 2003; years behind my peers, but ready to learn the tricks of the trade, and to do whatever it took to make it to the big time. When I ultimately got to Bloggywood, what I found there was a great many impediments to success. It started to look like the only way to get to the top would be to "sleep" my way there ! And so began a sordid period of life when I blogged exclusively of the slut variety. Typical lurid language of that time included "if you give me kudos I will give you a good time ;)" and "comment me, bitches!"
But in the end, after some learning and maturing, I discovered that there was another way. I found that the application of high moral and intellectual standards in a daily blog would not only attract many readers, but readers of the highest caliber. Over time, a strong society of "TeeJayers" was built, and comments and kudos became the rule rather than the exception. Invitations to speak at blog conferences began streaming into my Inbox on a regular basis, and in time, my Display Name became branded. There is even talk now of a virtual theme park - TeeJay World. The thought of it makes my family beam with pride, and I have nobody but all of you to thank for this.
And so goes my story. But know that this is not the end – it is still, just the beginning…
So tonight, as I stand before you all, I consider myself [self] [self] [self], the luckiest man [man] [man] [man] on the face of the web [web] [web] [web]. If not for the aegis of the Blog Academy and the support of all of you, the readers, I might be just an ordinary Tom, living in an ordinary world of ordinary blogs.
And where would we all be without Myspace? The HORROR!
Thank you all…
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